Human Eclipse

I didn't think it was possible:

That the new Alice in Chains album would be as great as it is;

That the Boston Red Sox would be swept out of this year's playoffs by the team formerly known as 'Our Playoff Bitches', the Anaheim, LA Angeles. Yes, I'm still bitter.

That Tom Brady would only have 6 touchdown passes after 5 games. I'm pretty sure that during the 2007 season he probably threw 6 touchdown passes in one half of one game while the Patriots were accused of running up the score against their opponents;

and finally;

That there is someone in New York City who is actually bigger than New York Yankees pitcher C.C. Sabathia. Holy Jesus. Look at the above picture of New York Jets coach Rex Ryan. WTF is under that tarp he is wearing as a jacket? There's either several basketballs stuffed under there or he's the male OctoMom.

Is Ryan this fat so his offensive and defensive lineman feel better about themselves and don't go around thinking they are a bunch of fat slobs? How is he able to stay upright and not just tip over like a Weeble (weebles wobble but they won't fall down)?

Allegedly Ryan is 345 pounds, yeah okay. That's like me saying that I only like music a little bit. And how long do you think it's been since he's been able to see his manhood? Seriously, that thing hasn't seen the light of day in ages, dust off the cobwebs and let some light shine in there.

I bet Ryan has had a few (hundred) of these in his time.

A Little Pick Me Up - The Video

A Little Pick Me Up

Here in New England, the after effects of Black Sunday are still resonating (at least for me anyways).

Between the misfires of Papelbon and the Sox (could Pap have been any more hittable?), Brady (who easily choked two easy TD passes, to Moss and Welker) and the Patriots, the usual suckiness of the Boston Bruins (how's that opening season 5-game home stand working out for you now?), it appears that Boston sports fans could be in for a long winter (hopefully the Boston Celtics won't fall into this trap). The Decade of Excellence for Boston sports teams maybe coming to a close.

On a night that sure feels like the coldest so far of the fall season, I've decided to lift up our collective spirits a little bit.

Esquire magazine has recently featured British hottie Kate Beckinsale as their Sexiest Woman Alive. While all sexy and sultry, Ms. Beckinsale has that girl-next-door quality that many guys (especially me) are looking for.

I'm not a Johnny-come-lately to the Beckinsale bandwagon either, as she is at the top of my Hollywood Top 5 wish list (followed by Rachel McAdams, who has gotten mad love from the Chicks Dig McLovin site, Elizabeth Shue, Heather Graham and Tina Fey, again another Chicks Dig favorite). Kate Beckinsale is Outstanding - well, done, Esquire magazine, well done indeed.

Here's a link to her video from the Esquire photo shoot (I may also post the video in a separate post). I bet the old man from the previous post who's in the Mac Store checking out porn will be looking at Kate Beckinsale's photo shoot video once he gets off the Hot College Co-Ed's website.

And to show that this post isn't for Guys only, here's a video from the first movie that Ms. Beckinsale caught my eye, the romantic comedy, Serendipity. She stars along side one of my favorite actors John Cusack (of course he is, I'm a child from the 80's). Kate first appears at the 2:35 mark - fantastic.

Yes, Serendipity is a chick flick but it's got a great cast. In addition to Cusack and Beckinsale (love the British accent), it's got Ari Gold (Jeremy Piven), before he was Ari Gold. Tom's Brady's Baby Momma and Mrs. Tom Brady wanna-be, Bridget Moynihan plays Cusack's financee. John Corbett is Beckinsale's eccentric financee, who wants to have a feast with Viking warriors while playing Midevil music with a fancy flute. All that put together with some Molly Shannon splashed in for flavor makes for a great movie.

Elderly man in front of a computer in a Suburban Mall

Yes, this blog post title is a play on words of Pearl Jam's 'Elderly woman behind the counter in a small town' song title.

I can't believe that this is my first blog post in nearly 5 months, but I've been inspired to put a little something together because I have gotten a glimpse into my future 40 years from now. I now have something to strive for - to live as old as this gentleman and do what he's doing.

Yes, it's what you think it is - this gentleman went into a crowded Apple store and is looking at Porn. Old men have huge balls (literally and figuratively). I've said it before and I'll say it again, old people don't give a shit what they do and what others around them think about what they are doing. He's probably seen a lot of crazy stuff in his life, possibly experienced combat in WWII or Korea; nevermind what this country has experienced in his lifetime, so do you think he cares what people think about him looking at Porn in a public place, of course not.

This guy was Jonesing for a naked girl fix (he probably saw some young hotties at the mall) and headed to the closest place with public computers and internet access - of course an Apple store.

At least now he's got an interesting answer to that age-old question, "So what did you do today?" "Not too much, I went down to the mall, walked around, had some Sbarro, looked at some Porn at the Apple store, got some Mrs. Fields cookies, and headed home."

My question is this: Does this situation open up new marketing opportunities for Mac in the highly-sought after demographic of 'Elderly men who like to look at Porn' computer user. It appears that Mac is beating PC early on in this race.

The Picks are In..

and the NCAA 2009 Men's Basketball tourney winner will be....

North Carolina.

Yes, I know real exciting. I'm really going out on a limb by picking the Tar Heels.

I'm known for being off the wall and crazy with my picks as I had all four Number 1 seeds (correctly so) going to the Final Four 4 last year, with North Carolina winning. Stupid Kansas Jayhawks, they're stupid.

If at first you don't succeed, then pick the Tar Heels again.

I stayed away from picking all the top seeds to reach the Final Four again this year and went with Louisville, Memphis, Pitt and NC, with Carolina beating Memphis in the finals.

Let the Madness begin.

A-Fraud is a Major Tool

I'm sure this will play well for A-Fraud in the New York Yankees clubhouse and in the New York media. Can't this guy stay out of the news for one week, even when he's hurt and not playing?

He literally just kissed (not only himself) but the chance at a World Series title away, because there is no chance that someone who kisses themselves in a mirror will ever win a championship. New York fans take heart because that means no World Series title for the Bronx Bombers for the next nine years.

By the way, who the hell kisses their own image in a mirror? What is that? A-Fraud is so stupid that he thought that this photo would play well/was a good idea - idiot. All those steroids rotted out his brain. I'm sure A-Rod is in favor of human cloning so he could have another version of himself running around to check out and make googly eyes at.

Again, just another example of money (10 years, $300 million) well spent by the Yankees. First A-Fraud, then C.C., the whale, then A.J. Burnett (who will turn out to be a newer, as-often-injured version of Carl Pavano).

It's a Rite of Spring, the Boston Bruins Still Suck

It's March, that must mean it's time for:

A spring training column about the Boston Red Sox. Nope

A NCAA tournament column. Nope.

How about the annual 'Boston Bruins Suck, They are Going to Choke in the Playoffs Again.' column?

"Bingo, we have Bingo. Ding, ding, ding, ding."

There comes a time during every Bruins season (no matter how successful) where I look up and say. "The Bruins suck, they've always sucked, and they'll continue to suck."

While the Bruins have been very good this season to a point, it never fails that they will ultimately show their true colors - that they are not that good and that fans will again be disappointed with a poor showing/knockout in the first round.

It may have taken a little longer, but we've now reached that point of this season with the Black and Gold. Over the past five weeks, they've won six times (in 18 games) and have seen their previously thought of insurmountable point lead in the East dwindle to six points. New Jersey (six points) and Washington (seven points) are creeping closer to the top spot.

If they are able to hold on to the top spot, it may not mean much as Boston would face tough first-round challenges against Florida, NY Rangers, and possibly Pittsburgh. Though, the Penguins have played better as of late, moving up three spots out of the eighth spot they were fighting for last week.

Man, I hope the Bruins play Pittsburgh in the first round because the Penguins would kill them (as they did on Sunday) and I would win my bet. It would again prove that it doesn't matter where Boston finishes in the standings because when the weather gets warmer the Bruins won't fail to disappoint.